Minus the S
by Love-el-ly Joy
Summary: A familiar face from Buffy's past AKA the original movie comes to Cleveland - PIKE! Full of hilarity and name confusion between Spike and Pike, this story is sure to be enjoyable. Also portrays The Immortal as a sissy guidance counselor-type.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I loved Pike from the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, and I was very disappointed when they didn't have him on the TV series, especially since they showed a flashback of Angel watching Buffy when she was at Hemery. I was like, "What?! Where's Pike in Angel's flashback?!", so I've decided to write a fanfic for the two gangster characters: Spike and Pike. Duh-duh-duh. Possibly with Angel._

_What's happened previously is that Spike went back to Rome to confront the Immortal (yeah, I know, you haven't watched Angel, cry-cry-sob-sob; you really don't need to for this fic) and ran into Buffy. Now they're in Cleveland because Faith needed some help with her hellmouth. That'll be explained as well. I also took a few location cues from Downside-Left. Ha-ha._

_Enjoy! Remember the four "R"s: Review, reduce, reuse, and recycle. Oh, and tell your friends. --SxD_

_An SxD Fanfiction Production_

_Minus the "S"_

"Spike! What are you doing here?" Buffy exclaimed. The Immortal just smiled.

"Killing _him_. What are _you_ doing here?" Spike replied.

"Now, now, Spike, let's not use violence rather than words. I've never done anything that might anger you - I've let you leave my city unharmed three times, by my count, and twice for Angelus. Why need you harm me?" the Immortal broke in. _(A/N: Whoa, I'm really portraying the Immortal as a sissy… this'll be fun!)_

"You _know _him?" Buffy asked, disgusted. Spike didn't know if she was talking to the Immortal or to him.

"Yeah, he's our arch rival," Spike said, sounding sarcastic to a listening ear. Really, he was completely serious.

"_Our_ arch rival? What, have you developed a multiple personality disorder now?"

"No, he's Angel's arch rival too!" Spike knew that he was coming off as a selfish child, but that was how Buffy had always thought of him, anyway, so he may as well explain properly. "He stole Drusilla and Darla from us while he had us tied by our wrists to a basement's ceiling!"

"Ah, yes. That was rather funny, wasn't it?" the Immortal was laughing. Actually laughing.

"No, it wasn't funny, you…" Spike didn't even bother to finish his sentence. Instead he threw himself at the Immortal, landing a punch on his nose. It began to bleed, but it healed almost immediately, leaving only the smallest trace of dried blood. And that, too, Spike expected, would be cleaned very soon by one of those demon maids of his.

"_Spike!_" Buffy yelled, shoving Spike away from the Immortal. "Okay, great. So now that we have that covered, would you mind explaining how you're _alive_? I would think that you would tell me before you told Angel, for God's sake." There was a small inflection on the word "God", which Spike chose to ignore for the moment.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't leave L.A. Apparently I was tied to that stupid amulet that Angel gave you, which was tied to Wolfram and Hart, so I couldn't leave. Besides, I wasn't corporeal. I was like a ghost. It was even worse than the bloody chip, because I couldn't even knock Harmony out." Spike rubbed the side of his head just at the memory of Harmony's whining high-pitched voice. He winced.

"Well, that's just great. You were working for that evil law firm, and you still are. I should have kno - wait, _Harmony_?"

"Yeah, Harm is - was - Angel's secretary. Then she did this whole betraying-bit and got a get-out-of-hell free card from Angel and a work recommendation. That otter was really good, though. And, no, the law firm is gone. The conduit exploded or something. I don't really care; you'd have to ask Chuck. And we just averted another apocalypse, and neither one of us gets to be a real boy… Angel was right; prophecies _are_ crap."

"Fine," Buffy said, taking a deep breath. "I want to talk to Angel. Immy, how fast can we get a flight to L.A.?"

"_Immy_?" Spike snorted. He couldn't resist - it just sounded so stupid.

"Ten minutes," the Immortal said, ignoring Spike.

"Great. Wait, how long will the flight take?" Buffy asked, clenching her teeth slightly.

"Hmm. Depending on whether air traffic control catches you or not, about twelve hours."

"Eesh. I feel like yelling at Angel now… Spike, does Angel have a cell phone?" Buffy asked, turning towards him.

"He does, but he probably won't answer it and apparently Cordelia couldn't even teach him how to use him voice mail… she's such a failure, that girl is. Was, I mean. She's dead now," Spike explained. He was still sore over the neck-biting incident.

"Cordelia is dead. And Angel can't use his voicemail. God, she _was_ a fail!" Buffy was almost reminiscent. "I wonder how Xander would react if we told him that Cordelia died."

"I don't know, and frankly, I don't really care. Where is Xander, anyway? I have no idea where any of those people are, actually."

"Xander's in Gettysburg - I have no idea why - , Willow and Kennedy broke up; Willow's in the Caribbean somewhere and Ken's in New Zealand, Faith and Robin are in Cleveland, Anya's in the Great Beyond, as Xander called it the last time I talked to him, Giles and Andrew are in Monterey, and I'm pretty sure Oz and Willow are meeting up somewhere. Xander's hoping he'll sorta be part of the gang again - which, I'll admit, would be great, because he's been the only guy. It's kind of why we all split up; everyone's alone, so no one feels alone."

"I might have to look Xander up the next time I'm in old Gettysburg; we could take that stupid driving tour that they put it. I hate the recreational parks service." Spike said angrily.

Buffy threw him an odd look, but she decided to otherwise ignore it. It was just weird-sounding; Spike hating the recreational parks service? That was quite unexpected.

That was when both Buffy and Spike knew that some off things would go down today.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Caution; this chapter contains the following pairings - Xandelia, Puffy, Spuffy, slight inkling of Bangel, Woz, Lesley, Giles/Jenny (I couldn't figure out an adorable couple name. xD), Friley, and Gwunn. There also will be no Dawnnor in this story, because of my love for Bangel. If Connor and Dawn start dating and Angel and Buffy are dating, that's just weird. Especially with Cordelia being there and all. That's REALLY, REALLY weird._

_**IF YOU DON'T REVIEW THIS CHAPTER I WILL NOT POST ANYTHING ELSE**__. I'm posting this chapter because a bunch of people put it on Story Alert, so I know there are people that will read this. But if you don't review, how will I know that anyone bothers to check it? REVIEW, or I will send Illyria God-King after you, kay?_

Angel knew that Buffy was calling before she even began to type the numbers into the cell phone. There was a strange connection between them: he knew when she would try to contact him, sometimes even before she knew it.

Sure enough, the phone rang a few seconds later. Angel answered it halfway through it's first vibration. "Hello? Buffy?"

"Yeah, it's me. You wanna tell me what your problem is? SPIKE just showed up in the middle of my date. Why didn't I know he was back?"

"I wanted to tell you, but -"

"But you were so busy running your evil law firm that you couldn't pick up the phone and call me? No, not even to-to call… you know, there's this thing now; it's called the internet. You could've e-mailed me or something. And instead you just let me cry over him instead of… you're a real… I can't think of a word for you right now, but you are it. And also, consider my cookies off-limits." Buffy slammed her thumb into the red hang-up button and began to cry.

***

"Oz!"

Willow ran over to the (currently) red-haired boy and gave him a hug. God, she'd missed him so much. The traumatizing incident involving a gun, a garden, and Tara had caused her to have yet another change in which gender she tended to go out with - she was now officially un-gay.

"Hey, Will," he said, catching her gently in a hug. "I've missed you. I haven't seen you in… how long has it been? Five years?"

"Yeah, but I've talked to you on the phone since then; we've kept in touch," Willow replied. "So, how are you? What have you been up to since I last saw you five years ago? You're always pretty vague on the phone - even when I told you about the fetal pigs that I used to make fun of Wesley!"

"Ah, Willow, you've been using the poor fetal pigs to mock Wesley? It's not their fault they're fetal. I've been developing my philosophies about gummy worms. Pretty cool; I didn't want some other up-and-coming philosopher-slash-guitar player to steal my ideas and write a song about them."

"Oh, yes, because everyone could pull off playing a song written about gummy worms," Willow said with a smile.

"What happened to you, Willow?" Oz asked suddenly, turning to look at her. "Something's happened to you, and you've tried to get over it. You can't, so you pretend that you've gotten over it. What happened?"

"Well, I turned gay, my girlfriend was killed by an ordinary guy with a gun, I turned evil and tried to kill him and his friends, I went to England; got some help from the Coven, turned invisible to my friends and almost had all of my skin eaten off, which it would have been if Spike hadn't been insane at the time, had an annoying, immature loser stalk me for almost two years, and battled off the First Evil, which killed Anya and left Xander somewhere between depressed and proud. It's been weird, but I've dealt."

"Spike isn't always insane?" Oz asked. Leave it to him to pick out the most irrelevant detail.

"No, he's usually pretty de-insane," Willow told him, smiling again. "Which I guess would make him just sane, without the extra prefixes. But, see, that was right after he got his soul and came back to Sunnydale. It was creepy; he muttered to himself and saw dead people and everything. Thank God for it, though."

They were quiet for a few minutes as they walked. They were in D.C., walking down the Mall. Willow had never been there before; it was amazing to look at these monuments that she'd only seen in textbooks before rising right before her eyes.

"So, meet anyone interesting?" Willow asked. She tried to sound flippant, as if this question weren't of vital importance to her, even though it was.

"Angel was in Tibet at the same time I was. We were training with some people that said they were monks. That was right after Buffy died; Angel filled me in on that whole deal. Anyway, the monks; they weren't monks. They were actually trying to kill me because I'm a werewolf and they wanted to eat me. A few years later I heard about this girl named Nina that they tried to eat for the same reason, but Angel stopped them. Then I heard that Angel started going out with this girl who was almost eaten whose name is Nina. I wonder where Nina is now; I'm sure we would have a lot to talk about."

"Cool," Willow procrastinated. She decided to come right out and give a vigorous hint. "I'm not gay anymore."

"I'm not quite sure what to say, Will. I mean, is that like a conversation starter or are you implying that you want to start dating again? Because if it's a conversation starter I'd say, 'Well, now you can get married in all fifty states,' but if you wanted to date, I would say, 'That's great; which of the fifty states would you like to go on a date in?'.

"I was actually leaning towards the second one," she said, suddenly hesitant. "I mean, assuming you want to start dating again."

"Of course I do. I've hoped for the last five years since I've seen you that you would unexpectedly call me and say that you're no longer gay and that you like me again."

Oz and Willow were both smiling.

***

Lilah.

Where is Lilah?

I have to find her. She should be here, but she's not. Where is she? She can't still be working for Wolfram and Hart. Even they couldn't be that cruel.

I know that Fred would like me to find her, and I will. Right after I find Lilah. I've already spent my last few moments on Earth with Fred, but that was only because I know her better than Illyria and Illyria offered. I accepted. Now, I wished that I hadn't taken her up on her offer. I quite liked that blue hair and her stormy, ice-colored eyes.

But Lilah is the one I have to find. Not Fred, not Illyria, not the robot that pretended to be my father. Where could Lilah possibly be hiding? When will she come _out_?


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Okay, I know I said that I wouldn't post anything until someone reviewed, but I'm having way too much fun writing this to stop now. I still would appreciate reviews, though._

_About my last chapter. I might have ticked people off with Willow turning un-gay. I can't imagine why, but I get paranoid sometimes, so here's what I have to say before you all yell at me: I have no problem with her being gay. I just liked Woz, and I really wanted to bring the Xander/Oz relationship back into motion, because I really missed that. And guess what the only way to do that was?! That's right; through WILLOW!! Mwahaha. I realize that I'm probably abusing my privileges as a fanfiction author, but you'll just have to deal with it. So there. REVIEW._

_And this chapter includes XANDELIA. Mwahaha. I've been waiting so long to write a fanfic where they get back together. So here it is._

Xander's cell phone rang.

It was an unfamiliar number, but he answered it. There were only a few people who knew the phone number for the particular phone that had begun to ring, and they knew to only call on that phone in the case of an emergency.

"Hello?" Xander said when he answered.

"Hello, is this Alexander Harris? My name is Genevieve Lawrence at the L.A. Coma Ward (_A/N: Totally made that up. XD_). Buffy Summers told me to call you and let you know that Cordelia Chase is awake from her coma."

Xander almost dropped the phone. Cordelia? Awake? Finally. He'd been waiting to get this call for months, ever since he found out that she was _in_ a coma. He'd hoped so hard that he would get this call. They'd told him it was highly possible that she _wouldn't _wake up. Though they'd said that about Buffy, and twice about Faith. But, then, they were Slayers; perhaps they had mystical coma-awakening powers beyond Xander's comprehensive level.

"Sh-she's awake? Cordy's awake? Can I… is there any way I can talk to her? Just for a minute?" Xander asked, stuttering.

"Sure. I'll just wire the call up to the phone in her room… there we go. Have a very nice day." The line went dead and another line answered.

Xander heard a very familiar voice on this new line. It was high-pitched and squealing, but with some sort of tint to make it sound sweet, like honey. This was the voice that had mocked him all of those years, adored him for quite a few months, and ignored him for many more years. This was the voice of Cordelia Chase, Sunnydale's overthrown queen.

"Xander? Xander, is that you?"

"Yeah, Cordy, it's me. How are you feeling?"

"Like crap, but I'll live with it. What about you? Where's Anya? Willow said that the two of you were engaged; how is she?"

Xander bit his lip. How was he supposed to explain that Anya died without Cordelia feeling bad about bringing her up in conversation? Xander hated it when people got upset or embarrassed because they mentioned her. He liked to talk about Anya. She died saving Andrew; that was certainly remarkable. She was amazing, and she deserved to have people talk about her.

"Anya… Anya died. She died saving Andrew. We were engaged, but then it got called off on the day of the wedding… long story. Then we sort of started dating again right before… but I'm fine."

"Oh, my God. Xander, I'm so sorry; I didn't know. I wouldn't have said anything. I happen to have gained some tact since the last time I saw you. I know that it doesn't seem like a lot of tact right now, but it's there. Oh, it's there. The visions have ruined me. Now I'm… sweet. And caring. What's up with that?"

Xander felt the beginnings of a laugh coming. "It's okay. I like to talk about Anya. And I believe you, on the tact thing. Angel didn't lose his marbles after four and a half years with you - you must have been pretty tactful."

"That's good. That you're not, like, oppressive or anything. _[A/N: Definition two of oppressive.] _And was that a compliment, or just a statement? Or was it an insult?"

"I think it was a combination of the three. Hey, do you have anyone to pick you up from the hospital?"

"Yeah, Angel and - I almost said Wesley. Angel and Gunn are coming to get me. But we should hang out sometime. I mean, assuming that's what you were going for with the whole pretend-to-be-casual thing."

"We _should_ hang out. You ever seen an actual battlefield?" Xander asked, trying to sound smooth.

"Xander, I grew up in Sunnydale."

"Oh. Well, a Civil War battlefield."

"No, I haven't. Why, where are you?" Cordelia asked. Xander could practically hear her eyes roll.

"Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Home of Gettysburg College _[A/N: My future school. It's really great there], _a remarkable driving tour, and a few 7/11s."

Cordy laughed. "I'll be sure to call you as soon as I can catch a plane out there. Buffy said Willow and Oz were in D.C.; maybe I can fly into Reagan and say hey to them while I'm on the east coast. Gettysburg's not that far away from there, is it?"

"It's a few hours away, maybe two; two and a half. J.F.K. definitely has the better airport stores, though. There's a Ron Jon and a Cheeburger Cheeburger within fifty feet of each other." Xander said.

"I've already flown through J.F.K. Been there, done that, you know? I've never even been to D.C., though. Aren't there a ton of murders there, though?"

"I don't know; ask Will. She's the one that's into demographics and stuff."

"Hey, Xander, I have to go. I've used up my ten minute phone call for today. I swear, it's like a prison in here. Give me your number and I'll call you again tomorrow."

"Sure." Xander gave her his cell phone number (the one that most people knew), they said good-bye, and they hung up.

***

"_Robin!"_

"What is it, Faith?" Robin asked, walking into the family room area of their Cleveland loft.

"There's a clone. Of me. On TV." Faith pressed a button and paused the Netflix show that she was watching.

"There - oh, my God. That's Eliza Dushku. She looks… exactly like you. That's so weird."

Faith had been watching Dollhouse because she'd seen commercials for it and it had looked intriguing. So she'd searched it on Netflix and there it was. Then she'd played it and there was a clone. A clone.

"Faith, that's an actress that looks like you. Not a clone."

"Oh."

_A/N: I've developed an addiction to Dollhouse this week, so I just had to include that last bit. This is turning out to be more fun than I'd thought it would be. But now I'll have to write a fic where Faith battles Eliza Dushku the clone. Subscribe to me and I'll start that at some point. xD_


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